Name: The espresso martini.

Age: 38.

Appearance: Dark brown, V-shaped, ubiquitous.

What’s inside ? Vodka, espresso, coffee liqueur, sugar syrup, coffee beans for garnish.

It sounds powerful. This is the idea. According to legend, the espresso martini was invented by bartender Dick Bradsell at Soho Brasserie in 1983, allegedly at the behest of a model who wanted a drink that “would wake me up and fuck me up”.

A real product of its time, therefore. If only: espresso martinis are wildly in fashion.

Where? London, New York, Washington, Sydney – you name it.

Why has something so old and cheesy suddenly become so hot? It’s a bit hazy – but it looks like this once frivolous novelty drink went through a period of rehabilitation and refinement about five years ago, turning it into something of sophistication.

Something of sophistication that spoils you. The classic combination of depressant and stimulant has a reliable disruptive effect, yes.

It’s like Red Bull vodka from today. Maybe, but the ubiquity of the espresso martini can also be its downfall. You can buy canned espresso martinis at Asda. They bake espresso martini cakes on The Great British Bake Off and sell espresso martini scented candles on Etsy.

These counterfeits have nothing to do with the classic cocktail. There’s one more thing: Bartenders hate making espresso martinis. Getting it right requires cool, hot espresso, a lot of shaking, and a lot of time.

It reminds me of this craze for mojitos – and the queues that built up as the bar staff shuffled the sheets. The espresso martini has the same mimic effect: when people realize they’re available, everyone wants one.

And you have to give drunk people what they want, I guess. Not anymore. According to New York magazine, the city’s water points have started dropping the drink. “I don’t keep the ingredients on the bar precisely so we can’t get them ready,” said Orlando Franklin McCray, bartender in Williamsburg.

They kill the most popular cocktail on the planet on purpose? They think it’s time for everyone to move on. “It looks like the 2021 Aperol spritz,” said Ella Downs, another bartender.

OK, but you know how I really feel now? An espresso martini?

Yes! Sorry. Time is up.

Say: “Just give me a regular latte – I brought my own vodka.”

Do not say : “What happened to the cocaine?